She doesn't want to move in with me

by Bruce
(Australia)

Your comments...: Hi everyone,
I'm not so happy with what's happening between me and my gf (girlfriend), and kinda stuck, and don't know who's fault it is, or is it normal between us. But I guess I just lay it out here so someone might be able to help me with a suitable solution. Here goes:


I've been in love with my girlfriend for a year. We both live and work in Australia. Her family is in the US. I care a lot about my gf, and I suppose that's what people do when they are in love.


I'm ok when she's not around me, I’m not sort of needy kind of person, but I do miss her a lot when she travels for couple weeks or so away. My gf is older than me but she's unlike anyone I’ve met before in the way that she's cute, intelligent, and confident.


We met, when her boyfriend left her with a broken heart, through a friend that I usually go clubbing with name Xxxx. Xxxx & I motivated her lot to move on with her life. It was ok for me at first to see her still keeping her private stuffs like: picture of her with her bf, his clothing, present. Then, I started to feel weird because they're still there when we were together for 6 months, so we argued... she said:"It's my good memory", and I didn't know what else to say.


She often cries in her sleep, or when she talks to her ex on the phone (only when she thought I was asleep, and she was drunk).


I know the different between people who really enjoy while they drink, or smoke (I don't smoke), and people who does it to battle their depression. Unfortunately, my gf is the 2rd type.
She drinks and smokes whenever she's depressed, or angry. But I take it as her excuse when she tells me that's her only enjoyment in life, the only thing that helps her sleep.
We often argue the next day over her bad habit, & solutions for that, but it doesn't seem to help. I wonder if anyone would wanna see their love one to be like that.


Next chapter, I don't remember the last time I went to cinema (maybe before I met my gf); because we never hang out (she doesn't wanna hang out and take "resting after work" as an excuse). We often have dinner at her place, and once or twice a week in a restaurant. Oh, we went camping once, visit her close friends interstate 4 times, and my friend every now and then, but that's about it.


Last but not least, I hate the feeling of travelling to see her all the time after a year (we live 7km away from each other), and we need to save money, so I discuss with my gf about us moving in. So we argued again, she said she need more time because she feel she's not ready, and I said.
Last 2 months, she spent her time with her family in the US, just came back a week ago. We discussed about moving in again, and she told me that she needed more time "again".


So, does anybody got any idea about solving our mess? Because I’m very sad, and wanting to leave my gf. Is it wrong for me to have fallen in love with someone like her? Why do I always feel like someone who gives but gets nothing in return?


Tibor's reply:


Hi.


I can see you love your gf.


Unfortunately most women take sometimes much longer to recover from love (or; let’s say bf).
They tend to be emotional, analysing every little detail and dwell on it for ages.


She should stop talking to her ex. That is for sure. Let it go.


Now if she loves you she should clearly let you know.


Another disadvantage we men have, we are impatient.
For a woman on a two months holiday with her family seems to be gone in seconds.
While for us men it may seem like a century. We feel forgotten and abandoned.


They don’t realize it because they have good time with their family and time goes quickly for them. She doesn’t think how you are waiting and counting days; she expects you must have a good time because she has!


Indications are your g/f is not over with her ex, yet. She needs to end it, forget. There is no future in it.


With you she must be honest. Stop depression. If she wants to drink or smoke it should be strictly for pleasure and with you around her.
Not a single phone call with ex. He’s finished.


That she loves to be home instead of movies or going somewhere is possible; there are individuals like that.
But it has to be clear that’s the reason.


Talk to her. Tell her if she loves you, three months should be enough for her to decide if she wants to live with you or not.
If she refuses; I believe you have following two options left.


The first is staying with her as it is with knowledge she was never and she will never be truly yours.


Or; the second: you leave for a new woman.


You both want to be sure you want to move together. You argue already enough.
If you live together this could become even more frequent. And none of you want that.
Don’t forget you will be together most of the time. There will be no place to hide from each other. You must love each other.


No one can decide for you. You both need to talk and make choices. Talk is a conversation – not an argument.
If she is not ready to commit after three months it is doubtful she would later. Then something is not right.


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