Soooo confused & sad :(

Well me & my husband have two children, a 2 year old & a 9 month old.

We were madly in love & planned both children. Things started going a bit downhill when the 1st baby was born due to the stress & new responsibility. He would get angry when the baby wouldn’t settle (which to be fair was most of the time coz he was poorly but we didn’t know it then).

Then things improved so we had another baby. The day after I gave birth he started an argument about something stupid. Then the next day I had a bit of a breakdown, I was sooo tired & emotional but he didn’t seem to realise I needed help or a break or just a cuddle.

Since being together he has gotten drunk a few times & we have argued about nothing much & he has trashed our house & called me names & made threats.

Thing is tho when he isn’t drunk he is the nicest bloke you could wish to meet. But he has gotten angry at our oldest boy as well a number of times. I have forgiven him coz I understand he can sometimes be a handful & every now and again I have gotten mad at him. Just not quite as mad as him.

He has shouted in his face & made him so upset that he sobs the poor thing. Since then we have split up because I told him he couldn’t treat our kids that way, but we got back together as he was a changed man but then split up again as it turns out he isn’t.

Now we are trying to decide what to do for the best. As I’m writing this I realise we are doing what’s for the best by not being together but it’s when I see him he is so sincere & sorry for how things have turned out, & because I love him it’s hard to forget all the bad things that have happened.

To make things more tricky I have just found out I am pregnant with baby no 3. I am so lonely & unhappy I just don’t know what to do. I wanna be happy & I want my boys to be happy but I know I am failing them every day coz of how miserable I am. I am already on antidepressants, have been for about 6 months now so don’t know what to do. Please help. Sorry for the length of this but I just can’t go on this way I need advice.

Tibor's reply:


There are important things to be considered when dealing with your problem.

1. We assume he is not violent (hurting anyone around him)
2. We also assume he is violent.
3. Do you have provisions (money, income)?
4. What help you can get in your country (helping women to change location from violent partners)

Your situation is not simple. You love your husband and he is undoubtedly a great person when sober.

The problem will never go away be itself. You need to make changes (obviously he can’t).
Not easy with three kids.

Anyone would suggest both of you to have counselling. My guess would be he doesn’t want to hear about it.

Stop drinking, it would. But that’s very unlikely to happen either.

You’ve been separated already, that means you can afford it. The problem is he has access to you and you’ll get back again; just to face the same problem again (In simple words he hasn’t really lost you and he knows it).

I’m sorry to tell this anyone but the best treatment for him is a good shock. Something what will wake him up once for all.

That means you would disappear with your kids for many months without him knowing your whereabouts. You can do that in case you are experiencing domestic violence; if you are in UK you need to contact Women’s Refuge (opens new window)

These organisations are in many countries.
(I can’t believe I’m telling you this, if you doubt visit a counsellor to get a second opinion).

The last thing is to tear a family apart, even temporary. But if you do it ‘psychologically’ correct, later you can give him a chance to be together again. The idea is; this will create havoc in his life. He will need to rethink every little thing he has done in the past.

Then, even if he drinks, he should be able to control his action, being afraid of the consequences.
It is not possible to live your current life being insecure. You need lots of help, three kids is not simple to manage.
You need his absolute support.

I gave you a hint. The best is to follow up with professional counsellor, even if you will go alone.
Your family life needs to be sorted out.

Look for these important signs as well:

While having kids, especially during the lactation period your sex drive will be generally low. Is your husband getting enough attention? And I don’t mean just sexual.

It is difficult to be bad to a good person. Try to be sweet and try to communicate often.

Why does he drink? Is he an alcoholic? If yes, he needs to behave better or stop drinking.
You have to find a solution, because this (alcohol) seems to be a problem.

Or; does he drink due to stress. If yes, what exactly is it?

Now, I know you have enough work already and putting on a smiley sexy face is the last thing you want to do. But an extra attention during these times can make a big change.

These are some ideas for you to consider. It would be a shame if you split. Try to work it out if possible. It doesn’t take overnight.

Final thought: If you split again and you want to get back together, do it under one condition – he must have completed alcohol rehabilitation .
Only then you move back to him.

And you should get off antidepressants as well.

Each relationship is special and different. Use your charm and intelligence to your advantage.
Remember, everything works out.

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