Stand Still- Need to See if the Other is too Demaning

by Hope
(Austin, Texas)

So this is probably something I should have done 3 months ago. It's too late now, but I still wonder if I am truly insane for having the opinion I have about my issue.

I am a mid-twenties female and work non-stop (60 hours, 1 part-time job and 1 full-time job. I have/had a twenty-something boyfriend in Law School and we lasted almost 2 years with talks of marriage, kids.... basically planned to spend the rest of our lives together, but we finally found the one thing that would drive us apart.

My boyfriend's lease was going to be up at his old apartment complex last June and he had nowhere to go. He did make several different plans to find himself a place to stay, but ultimately everything would fall through the cracks. I was still living with my parents at the time and we offered him to stay with us. In my opinion, I felt he was weird out by the idea of living with me (in his opinion he says it was me being weird). Anyway, I asked a co-worker/friend of mine at work if my boyfriend could stay with him and his boyfriend for a month until this other apartment my boyfriend finally found was ready for him to move in.

They said yes, charged him a tiny amount of money, happy go lucky, right? THIS is where everything went wrong.

One week into my boyfriend living with my friends/one is my co-worker; they all decide they're going to keep the arrangement permanently.

This decision was basically made without my knowledge.

So it gets sticky from here, I kept expressing to my boyfriend that I was uncomfortable with him living with my friends (who I have conversed with in depth about relationship problems we've had) and my co-worker (at my part time job where I want to be full time, and all I do is try to impress everyone that works there). I felt I had to be 'on' all the time and could never truly have an alone night.

My boyfriend kept explaining no, the benefits are so great that I cannot turn this down. I want to be fair with how I tell the story, so the benefits he claims are: He knew these guys okay and got along okay, it was $100 cheaper a month than the other apartment he was going to live in, and it is 2 miles away from his school (the other would have been 5-7 miles I believe).

Basically, I don't see these benefits as good enough to mix church and state.

I also don't think it's fair he just jumps into my friends life without my permission and basically when I do speak out about it, tells me it doesn't matter what I say, he's doing it, the benefit is too good for him to worry about me saying 'it makes me uncomfortable'.

This argument has gone on and on and on and I feel I have tried to explain this to him in 8000 different ways. He is now living with them, obviously, I can't make him move out, but when I mentioned it this weekend he got upset saying we would not be together if he knew I would always bring up that I don't like the fact that he is living with my friends.

Am I wrong to feel I should ALWAYS bring up something when it makes me uncomfortable?

Anyway, we are no longer together, that was the final straw for me that realizing his benefits will always come before me and I just want to know if I am being insane and controlling like he claims? Or was it truly not fair to me that he just jumps into my work life and have no concern for my feelings?

Had it just been friends, I know I have no ground on this, but this is my co-worker. I don't want people at work to know my boyfriend was late on rent, drank all their beer one night, and goes out a little bit more than he should. I love him for everything he is, but I don't need those things reflected on me at work! Let alone, MY DREAM JOB!

Please let me know what you think. Again, it's too late now, the relationship is over, but I need to know for a learning experience what the hell happened here.

Reply:

It’s not too late. You made a 100 percent right decision. Your boyfriend doesn’t deserve you at all.
And you have nothing to regret.

This way you found out he is not worthy of you. Imagine you would get married with him and all of this would surface later on.

If a man loves you the above so called ‘benefits’ are ridiculous and meaningless.

You made the right choice. Though it hurts to lose a loved one, it’s better now than late.
Find yourself a better man - I know it’s easy to advice, and I’m sorry to tell you this way. After a while you will see you will be much better off.

And you will be the one with ‘benefits’.

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